Yes..I want to escape. COz it is not a need but a want.
Sometimes I just feel like stopping time , something like pausing your life then do what you need/want , then continue with it.
If only that could happen in real life.
Now i am at the crossroad of life , i don;t know what I want , don't know what I can achieve.So mechaholic but true.
Initially I have planned my life out in this way (and still looking foward to ...)
1. Become Cabin Crew ( Or whatever job that takes me travelling)
2. Save enough money to enjoy material comfort , with nice fashionable clothes and a pad to call my own
3. Open up a fashion Shop/cafe/resturant , as long as its what I have evisionised it to be
4. Do a good Biz and earn enough for me to retire comfortably.
Now , I am stuck in a job where i like the people but sadly does not allow me to move on. But I have no guts to move on , although it is very essential to do so.
Right now my hangups are that i am not slim enough.My scars and body shape makes me ashame of myself that i no longer have much confidence although I try to put up a good front.Don't worry yet , it hasn't brought me to sucidal / depression mode yet , and I absolutely doubt I would.
I know that I will always be special( ok , u will beg to differ) but i think everyone would think they are special too right?
I don't know about others , but i would always put pressure on myself to be always better.If people can do it , so can i.Is that why i keep shutting people out of my life?
I can't commit , i can't show my real self to other people.They will leave me if I do.
But I dun like to stifle myself , do things and fake smiles and air kisses.
Maybe one day i will walk out of this and find my true calling , Maybe I will be lamenting about my life forever and not taking any action .
I really hope that one day , when i look back at my entries , I can proudly say that I have achieved something over the years.
Don't want to lament over things done and undone.
Just hope that I have the determination & perserverence to carry on..not just talking and not actioning.
Wait for a new me.